****- Sexiest Bottle Blonde Zombie Of the Year

Blog Post Of The Year

This week People Magazine’s annual Sexiest Man Alive issue hit the newsstands. For the third time, part time pirate Johnny Depp has been bestowed with this award. While People Magazine is the most prominent it is not the only magazine bestowing a (BANKIEST) (BLANK) award. The following is a list of other awards that either have been or will be awarded shortly.

Geek Magazine has named Seth Green the Sexiest Geek Alive for the third time.

Oprah Magazine has named Oprah Whinfrey the World’s Greatest Woman Alive for the ninth time.

Ed Hardy Magazine has named Jon Goslin the Douchest Man Alive for the first time.

RCOA Monthly has named Hunter Red Douchebag Blogger Of The Year for the fifth time.

Natalie Portman has been named Sexiest Woman Alive by Hunter Red Digest for the forth time.

Kerry Jackson Magazine has named Marcus Sexiest Comedian Alive for the second time.

Kickboxing Enthusiast has named Heidi and Spencer Pratt the Couple Most Deserving Of A Face Kick for the fourth time.

And finally Ted Haggard Magazine has named Carrie Prejean Hypocrite Of The Year for the first time.



Forgive Me- 11/21/2009

Palin event leaves some out in the cold, unhappy

I left anxious fans yearning for my autograph waiting in the rain.
Forgive me.
Besides, there may have been an unworthy liberal amongst you.



The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger

By now everybody in the Western hemisphere has had some sort of interaction with the works of Stephanie Meyer. Whether it’s reading the book Twilight, going to see New Moon in the theaters, or watching the Cody Deveraux parodies on The Tonight Show, The Twilight Saga is pretty much inescapable right now. Even while new Moon is raking in millions upon millions of dollars at the box office, plans are being finalized for the next film in this series. Rather than follow the plot of the next book in this series, Eclipse, Summit Entertainment has decided to create their own entry in the Twilight Saga. Details on this movie have been sparce until now. Here, exclusively on Redertainment.com, are the early details on The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger.

The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger deals chiefly with a character by the name of Ana Clark. Ana is not directly mentioned in any of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books, but is indirectly mentioned as a student at the high school Bella attends. As it turns out, Ana is one of the many supernatural students that fill the halls at Forks High School. Ana Clark is a zombie.

Like the rest of the supernatural creatures in The Twilight Saga, the zombies in Cerebral Hunger don’t follow the established rules about zombies. Rather than being a slow walking mindless creature driven only by her desire to consume brains, Ana is a genius track star who is driven by a need to succeed in every avenue of her life and consume brains. Many will dismiss this alteration to the zombie lore but they will be crushed by the legion of Twihards who will accept this definition of zombies as the only one that has ever been.

Rumor has it that Gossip Girl star Blake Lively has been tapped to fill the role of Ana Clark in The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger. It is unknown at this time how The Twilight commitment will affect her status on the CW drama. It is known that by taking this role the Parent’s Television Council will have something new to bitch about.

The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger is expected to start filming soon with a release expected somewhere around Holiday 2010. Expect the hype machine to kick in sometime in June with Paterson/Stewart marriage rumors expected to roll out in mid-September.



Eminem > Modern Warfare 2



Eminem is one of those artists I’ve been following since Junior High. I own all of his major label releases, the two D12 major label CDs, the 8 Mile Soundtrack, and a smattering of other recordings featuring Eminem. If you put all the music I own by Eminem into a single playlist it would be exactly 11.1 hours long.

It took me exactly 5:32:56 to finish the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. In short, it would take you longer to listen to Eminem’s entire catalog than it would take you to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. I just find that interesting.

****- Lying For Chloe Frazer

Too Low For Zero- Track #2

Hunter Red is working in his office when his secretary, Liz, pokes her head in through the office door.
Liz- Hunter.
Hunter- Yes?
Liz- Your ex-girlfriend is on the phone, should I put her through?
An overwhelming feeling of dread comes over Hunter at that moment. Hunter can barely articulate what he says next.
Hunter- Yes, put it through. I knew this was going to happen eventually and the longer I put it off the worst it gets.
Hunter picks up the phone expecting his most recent ex-girlfriend, Gwen Scarlet, to be on the other end.
Hunter- Hello?
Voice On Phone- Hi Hunter, it’s been so long, how are you?
The voice on the phone is not Gwen, it’s another one of Hunter’s exes, Carrie Prejean.

Hunter- Carrie? Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again. How are you?
Carrie- Great. I did the whole pageant thing, I met Donald Trump-
H- How many times did he hit on you?
C- 57. Anyway, I kind of need a favor from you.
H- Okay, what kind of favor do you need from me?
C- Well, I’ve got this book coming out-
H- Which you’ve named after an Elton John song.
There is a short pause.
C- Really?
H- Yep, a rather famous Elton John song.
C- Aw damn it! Anyway, I need to promote this book and I need something more than just interviews.
H- Okay?
C- Do you remember that vacation we went on together?
There is a short pause.
H- Yeah. The one where we had lots of ungodly sex and took lots of pictures and videos of each other nude or semi-nude?
C- Exactly.
H- What about it?
C- I want to release one of those videos online.
There is a short pause.
H- Why?
C- To spark a mini-scandal that will get my name in the news and increase sales of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.
H- You mean I’m Still Standing.
C- Oh yeah, that’s right.
H- Well, I’m okay with that. I’ve been looking for a way to get my big red penis on the internet.
C- Actually, the video I want to release doesn’t have you in it.
H- It doesn’t.
C- No.
H- Well then which one do you mean?
C- The video of just me masturbating.
There is a short pause.
H- Ah yes, I remember it well.
C- I figured you would.
H- So why do you need my permission to release it? You shot the video with your camera on your film in a room you paid for. Why do I need to be involved?
C- I’m not looking for your permission, I need you to lie for me.
H- Do you mean lying in the biblical sense or lying like Dick Cheney does constantly?
C- The second one, although I do disagree with you about that.
H- Oh course. So, what do you need me to lie about?
C- I need you to lie about how old I was when I made that video.
There is a short pause.
C- Hello.
There is a short pause.
H- How old do you need me to say you were?
C- Seventeen.
H- Seventeen? Why seventeen?
C- So that websites that are weary of child pornography laws will either not host the video or quickly take it down.
H- But doesn’t that defeat the purpose of releasing the video?
C- No. The very existence of that video will generate the controversy that I need. Whether anyone really see it or not is irrelevant. Besides, if people actually see the video they might dismiss it as a waste of film, just like the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
H- Okay, I can see your point.
C- So will you lie for me pookie?
H- Not a chance schnookums.
C- Why not? I thought an amoral atheist like you would enjoy deceiving people?
H- But if I tried to deceive people like this, I would fail.
C- Why?
H- do you know how much of a dork I was when I was seventeen? No one would believe I could pull a girl as hot as you back then.
C- No one would believe you could pull a girl like me now.
H- True, but it’s more unbelievable back when I was seventeen.
C- So you won’t lie for me?
H- Nope.
C- What if I agree to lie with you once again?
H- Sorry, I already have a significantly hotter woman who I already lie with on a regular basis.
C- You engage in pre-marital sex?
H- You betcha.
C- Heathen!
Carrie hangs up the phone, ending the call. Hunter takes the phone away from his ear, looks at it and says-
H- Hypocrite.
Hunter hangs up the phone and goes back to work.

END SCENE



Uncharted 2 Review

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I suffer from Cynophobia. Cynophobia is the psychological term for fear of dogs. I have a crippling paralyzing fear of dogs, ALL dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, dogs that climb- wait, I’ve done that joke recently.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Nothing I have don’t to address this problem has seemed to work. Traditional clinical therapy, anti-anxiety medication, experimental therapeutic strategies, discredited approaches, none of it has come close to working. I find it incredibly frustrating that I have yet to find an effective strategy to deal with my cynophobia, especially since many of my neighbors own creatures that bring me much fear.

Look out, it’s going to eat you!

The only solace I can find in the admission by others of their own crippling psychological fears. An example of this came at the end of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. In the final scene of this completely beautiful game experience, Nathan Drake admits to being absolutely afraid of clowns. Drake admits that on a scale of one to ten, four being Elena dying and eight being the nearly invincible horned creatures that stalk Drake though the ending passages of the game, clowns rank as a ten in terms of scariness. Oh shit, is that a spoiler? Damnit!

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves: A

****- The Mesmerizing And Totally Gay Snowmobile Chase

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony Review

As an America, I like to eat many things, often in large quantities. Giant pizzas, long pieces of celery, big bags of lard, anything and everything that will not cause me to fall into an immediate critical state. Falling into a critical state several years after consumption of that giant bag of lard sure, but not immediately. However there is one food product that I absolutely refuse to eat. This is not a man made food product like spam or cauliflower but one that is naturally grown in the natural ground and picked by natural people who naturally have obscenely low salaries. I speak, of course, of onions.

I hate onions. Absolutely and completely, I HATE onions. I have a legitimate reason why I hate onions, not like why I hate Alan Alda. Whenever I eat something with onions in it all I can taste is the onions. Whether it’s a big slice of onion or a tiny wedge mixed into my eggs, I will only taste the onions. I could be eating foie gras on top of a thick porterhouse steak with a glass of Merlo to drink and if there is the one speck of onion serves with that meal, all I will taste is the onions. It’s not that I hate the taste of onions it’s that the flavor of the onions overwhelms the meal for me. The way that onions ruin a meal for me is much like the helicopter controls in the new downloadable episode for Grand Theft Auto IV.

The helicopters in GTAIV handled poorly from the start. Trying to land on a specific location was a long and arduous chore, attacking specific targets was nearly impossible unless you just fired indiscriminately, and the general style of the helicopters? I’ve seen better paint jobs come out of my niece’s kindergarten class.

You think that, given how many mission utilize helicopters, Rockstar would have addressed helicopter handling like they did with the motorcycle controls for The Lost and Damned, but no. The helicopters handle just as horribly in the Ballad of Gay Tony as they do in the original Grand Theft Auto IV and the expansion suffers for it. It’s not an awful game, as my grade will reflect, but the Ballad of Gay Tony would have been greatly improved if Rockstar had done something, anything, to make the experience of flying a helicopter in any way better.

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony: B-



Modern Warfare 2 Review

Remember Halo 3? How there was big hype about that game before it was released, then it was released and people loved it? Then the honeymoon ended and Halo 3 became the token reference for overhyping and underperforming? It wasn’t that Halo 3 was bad, it just wasn’t the Holy Grail. Well on November 10th, 2009 Modern Warfare 2 was released, and guess what? The honeymoon is over.

5:32:56. It took me exactly five hours, thirty-two minutes, and fifty-six seconds to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. Come on. It took me eight hours to beat Halo 3. 5:32:56? That’s about how long you should cook a roast for, not finish a current generation video game.

And I hammered Resident Evil 5 for having a series of really good action packed levels half-assedly patched together with a horrid story. Guess what? Modern Warfare 2 has that as well! They have a level in the game with a bitching snowmobile chase topped off with a bad ass jump. Yes it was a great level but what did it have to do with anything? There was even a level where you have to make your way through an active battle where you are the enemy of both sides of the fight. This level was nice, but it was better when Metal Gear Solid 4 did it.

Halo 3 is one of those games that has a less than adequate single player experience but kicks ass in multiplayer. Since its release, Halo 3 has managed to remain among the most actively played games over Live and has grown and evolved to suit gamers’ preferences. Modern Warfare 2 has a less than adequate single player experience but appears to kick ass in multiplayer. Perhaps Modern Warfare 2 will have the same kind of enduring impact that Halo 3 did but that won’t save it from inheriting the token reference Halo 3 once held.

Modern Warfare 2: B+



Uncharted 2 First Impressions

I’m finding this Chloe woman to be very attractive. Yes she’s in 720p and would probably look better in 1080p but at least she’s not in standard definition where she might look like this.


What I especially like about Chloe is her eyes. Yes she has a nice ass and a personality to die for, but Chloe’s eyes just take my breath away. Chloe has the kind of eyes that are no mesmerizing that if you looked at them she could get you to willingly say, “Yes, I will stick my hand in a wood chipper.”

By the way, I lost my job recently. I didn’t lose my job because of the economic downturn or because of absenteeism. I just can’t currently reach the same level of productivity that I had reached previously. I just simply can’t type as quickly as before only using my left hand.

By the way, The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming January 3rd, 2010.

****- Plugging Timothy Geithner

Quiz Show

The scene begins with a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a platform. As the stage lights go up two men are revealed to be sitting on a platform. The setting is very much inspired by a 70’s era game show. This is even further established by one of the men wearing a leisure suit. The two men are Hunter Red, he is the one in the leisure suit, and US Treasure Secretary Timothy Gheitner, he is dressed in a dull gray suit. As the host of the show, Hunter Red takes the lead.

Hunter- Hello and welcome to the 357.5 Trillion Dollar Question, brought to you by the Redertainment Corporation Of America and by British Petroleum. British Petroleum, we don’t have more money than God, we are God. Our contestant tonight is Timothy Geithner. Mr. Geithner is the current Treasure Secretary for the United States and his hobbies include rearranging his sock drawer and watching paint dry. Timothy, nice to have you here.

Timothy- I too find it pleasurable to be in this location currently.

Hunter- All right then. Now, I’m going to go over the rules of the game before we begin. I am going to give you a series of five questions. You only have to answer one of them to win the prize. Do you understand Mr. Geithner?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- And now here is Robin Anderson with our prize. Robin.

Robin- (Off camera in a fake female announcer’s voice) Our prize tonight is a onetime payout totaling 357.5 Trillion Dollars. This prize is brought to you tonight by British Petroleum. British Petroleum, Using gas from Chevron? You suck!

Hunter- Thank you Miss Anderson. Mr. Geithner, you know the rules, you know the prize, you know the game, are you ready to play?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- No, I said, ARE YOU READY!

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

An overblown light display is triggered, eventually ending in a bright spotlight being shown on the platform with Hunter and Timothy sitting on it.

Hunter- Okay, Question One: What is something interesting to do on a Saturday night.

Timothy thinks for a second and says-

Timothy- Sitting down upon a chair made of leathered bovine skin and reading a book about the evolution of the double-entry accounting practice.

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No, Timothy, that is wrong. There are many answers that would have been correct, however the answer you have is not among them. But don’t worry, you still have four questions left to win the prize. Are you ready for the next question?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered again, ending in the game spotlight as before.

Hunter- Question Two: It’s Friday night and you want to see a movie. What is the most interesting movie to see?

Timothy thinks for a second and says-

Timothy- Swamp Women

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No. The question was not “What movie should you turn on to induce sleep”, it was “What is the most interesting movie to see?” Is that understood?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Well, don’t worry, you still have three questions left to win the prize. Are you ready for question three?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered again, ending the same way as before.

Hunter- Question Three: You are wanting to go out and see an interesting musical concert. You can choose any musical act in the world. Which musical act do you choose to see an interesting concert?

Timothy doesn’t hesitate and says-

Timothy- Creed.

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No. There are many right answers to that question. U2, Nine Inch Nails, Amanda Palmer, The Sounds, these are just some of them. Creed is definitely not among them.

Timothy- Utterance expressing depression.

Hunter- Don’t be depressed, you still have two questions left to win the prize. Are you ready?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered, AGAIN.

Hunter- Question Four: You and your friends want to go see a sporting event. You want to go see a sport that is INTERESTING. What do you choose to see?

Timothy thinks for a second then says-

Timothy- A playoff game for my local Major League Soccer franchise.

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No. No, Timothy, no! Do you even know what the word “interesting” means?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- I doubt it. Well, Timothy, you have one question left or else you will fail to win the prize. Are you ready?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- No, I said ARE YOU READY!

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Lets play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered for what is thankfully the last time.

Hunter- Question Five: Timothy, name something interesting.

Timothy thinks for a second and says-

Timothy- Sand.

A bell signifying a correct answer sounds. The audience watching begins to cheer, until-

Hunter- Wait, wait, wait a minute. Sand.

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Sand?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- What kind of sand?

Timothy- Dry sand.

Hunter- Dry sand doing what?

Timothy- Nothing of particular noteworthiness. I just derive pleasure from viewing indeterminate collections of dry sand.

Hunter and Timothy stare at each other for a second. Then a buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- Nope, wrong answer Mr. Gheitner. Sand, in that context, is in no way interesting. It pains me to say this, but you have lost out on the prize.

Timothy- Utterance expressing depression.

Hunter- Yes, losing 357.5 Trillion Dollars is truly depressing. Well, that’s all the time we have here on The 357.5 Trillion Dollar Question. I’m Hunter Red reminding you to show that you care about the one you truly care about. Spay or neuter your reality television stars. Goodnight America.

The lights fade to black on the stage as the end credits begin to roll.

THE END



Have I Annoyed You Yet?

Did you know the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming on January 3rd, 2010? You can participate in this award show by submitting your nominations to me by December 15th. Also, I released two books this year. The Hawk and The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust are both available for free at Redetainment.com. Plug, plug, plug.